( the last thing he wants to do is make bucky uncomfortable, but...he still hasn't fully reconciled with his own guilt about his role in what happened to bucky. if only he'd searched for him after the war, if only he'd caught him from falling, if only he hadn't led him into a dangerous mission. if only, if only, if only. but then he hears a voice in his head, which sounds suspiciously like peggy, telling him to snap out of it. that it's not about him.
if he senses that bucky's masking something (something that steve caused, because he's an idiot), he doesn't let on. just matches him, smirk for sly smirk. )
I'm gonna hold you to it. That means you have to accept my invite and actually, you know...come over. ( he pushes off the counter and crosses the few feet towards the microwave, peeking at the semi-inflated popcorn bag, then turns back to bucky. ) Maybe even bring something.
I mean. If you want me to. They've got all kinds of things I could bring over now, like those little pastries or whatever.
[ He spreads his hands out, gesturing vaguely before lowering them, letting them hang at his sides uselessly for a moment. ]
. . . Sorry. I've been busy. [ Which is a lame excuse, Bucky knows, but at least he's offering it. Better than years on the run without a word, followed by a stint in cryofreeze without much in the way of "hi, how are you, how's the 21st century been treating you?". Baby steps. ] Therapy's kicking my ass.
( at first, he thinks bucky's just going to leave it at "i've been busy." and that would've been fine, even though steve wishes he'd open up more. but then he does open up more, and steve's look softens. he gives his head a small shake. )
Hey—it's okay. ( he drops his hands, then stuffs them in his pockets, fighting the temptation to reach out and lay one on bucky's shoulder. his arm. ) You don't have to apologize. I didn't mean... I was just giving you a hard time.
( like old times. but some things aren't ready to go back to like old times. some things might never be. the popcorn fills the silence with a rat-a-tat-tat of feverish pops, like miniature gunfire. )
Nah, I know, we're always giving each other hell. [ And he gives him a shrug at that. He didn't feel needled and really, the apology had been a long time coming. At that, he glances off to the side. ] But it needed to be said.
[ If Bucky expected to feel like a weight had been lifted off of him, he'd be sorely disappointed. Fortunately, at this point, he's come to not really expect anything.
He tenses up briefly as the popcorn begins to pop, the sound all too familiar over the decades for a split second before he reminds himself that no, it's just popcorn. The tension leaves him as quickly as it came. ]
Talk about, what, therapy kicking my ass? It's like a biweekly beating courtesy of the United States government.
( his shoulders relax slightly. there's more he wants to say, assurances that bucky doesn't owe him an apology for anything, least of all for taking the time and the space he needed. but steve keeps it to himself, letting bucky say what he feels he needs to say.
a small, somewhat rueful smile appears on his lips. ) Sounds rough. Do you think it... Is it—helping at all? Or does it just feel like a waste of time?
( he doesn't know what helping would look like. bucky seems to be doing better, but steve knows appearances can be deceiving. he also knows the therapy was more for the lawmakers' peace of mind than out of any genuine desire to help bucky. a band-aid to make them feel like they were addressing the winter soldier problem. if bucky thinks it's helpful, then that's one thing. if not, well. )
[ Was it helping? He chuckles to himself softly at the thought. The constant nightmares and the tangled bundle of blankets haphazardly shoved into his closet would say otherwise.
Bucky didn't like lying to Steve, but it came to him easily at this point. No, he wasn't tired after working a double down at the docks. Of course he'd enlisted, it wasn't like he was drafted or anything. He was fine after Azzano, really. Nothing happened. He's fine. It's fine.
It never felt good. ]
Eh, it's alright. [ And at that, he flashes him a toothy grin. ] I say what they want to hear and Doc only rides my ass a little bit. [ and, without missing a beat, he pushes himself away from the counter, walking over to the fridge. ] Are you thirsty? I'm thirsty.
( it doesn't feel good, but it does feel familiar. steve could always (usually) tell when bucky was lying to him, even if he didn't always call him out on it. and this time is no different. steve presses his lips together as bucky turns away, and he hasn't decided if this is going to be a call-him-on-it moment or not when he opens his mouth again and says, ) Bucky—
( the microwave lets out a long, shrill tone. steve deflates. )
...Sure, I could use a drink.
( he waits another moment or two for the last few kernels to pop, then pulls open the microwave and picks out the bag. as he gingerly tears the paper apart, it releases a cloud of steam, and the thick, savory smell of butter fills the air. steve stares down at the bag and gives it a shake. )
[ Alcohol doesn't do anything for him, but he keeps it around just in case. Mostly, it's familiar. It also helps that it makes his refrigerator look a little less sad and empty. Probably.
He pulls out a couple of beers, shaking a bottle at him. ]
I don't know if it's just me getting old, but they don't taste nearly as shitty as they used to.
[ Bucky sets them down with a clink, then reaches for a cabinet to get a bowl, rummaging through his mess of dishes. Ordering online made it easy to get some "household essentials" as dictated by the internet, at least, but keeping track of what he put where was another story. ] Where is— aha. Here, use this.
( he lets out a huff of laughter. ) I don't think it's just you. Pickings were a lot slimmer, too...back then.
( the frustration of moments ago still sits beneath his skin—the words he didn't say stuck on the tip of his tongue—but steve can't help echoing bucky's smile as he tips the bag into the bowl. part of him was fully expecting to have to eat out of the bag. his smile is fleeting, though, flickering out as he casts about for the garbage can.
once he's tossed the bag, he goes over to where bucky set the beers. forgoing a bottle opener, he plies off the caps with his bare hands, picks one up, and takes a drink. he can almost pretend it has a calming effect on his nerves. )
Do you miss it? ( he faces bucky, still gripping his beer. ) Getting drunk.
God yes. [ His response is instantaneous as he snatches up his beer, knocking it back. ] Maybe it wasn't a healthy coping mechanism, but it was my unhealthy coping mechanism.
[ With a small nod, Bucky steps back out to his living room and takes a seat at one end of the couch. ]
I've gone out a couple times, just casual stuff. People get real concerned if they see the bottles starting to pile up.
( following bucky into the living room, steve takes a seat next to him within arm's reach of the popcorn, but he doesn't reach for it yet. just takes another pull on his beer. the taste reminds him of the days where they spent their spare change on a few cans of rheingold and drank them on the floor of steve's apartment, until his face was hot and his fingertips tingled. as small as he was, it didn't take much to get him tipsy back then. he could usually put back one to bucky's every two and a half.
he picks at the label on his bottle. ) Yeah? You been meeting people? ( he pauses. plays that back in his head, and then says, ) You know... Friends. Or—could be more than friends. Either way.
[ Bucky practically chokes on his beer with laughter. He takes a moment to wipe at his mouth, shoulders shaking with amusement. ]
— meeting people? Steve, come on. [ But it's funny, really. Back in the day, sure, but— ] I've gone to a few bars and had a chat or two with a few folks, sure. But if you're talking about dates? Nah. Have you even looked at the crap people post online? It's something else.
( even though bucky's technically laughing at him, steve can't help smiling against the lip of his bottle. his eyes roll a half-turn. )
I meant friends, ( he says again, bringing his beer back down to his lap. ) But...I didn't want to assume.
( is he a tiny bit relieved that bucky's not dating anyone? maybe. but it's selfishly motivated, and he does his best to hide it. )
Well, you don't have to date those people—the ones posting crap online. It narrows the pool, sure, but... ( he clears his throat. ) There are good people out there, too.
[ It's gentle teasing, though. Bucky reaches over for the bowl, grabbing some popcorn. ]
Okay, if there's good people out there, then why aren't you dating them? [ He raises an eyebrow before shoving the fistful of popcorn into his mouth, munching away. ]
( he blows out a breath. ) I tried—briefly, but then the Sokovia accords happened, and the whole thing with Tony...
( and you, he thinks, but doesn't say. he glances at bucky and away again. )
Sharon. Remember? She was the one who helped us—met us at the underpass with our gear.
( bucky probably remembers, considering he was watching when steve and sharon... but it also feels like half a lifetime ago, and bucky's been through a lot since then, so maybe it's not exactly fresh in his memory anymore. )
I don't know if anyone told you, but she's Peggy's niece.
[ His expression sobers at the mention of her. Sharon — right. She put her neck out for them, even after he'd attacked her. Granted, Bucky wasn't in his right mind at the time, but still.
Of course she'd be Carter's niece. Of course. ]
Yeah? I didn't know that. [ a beat. ] Did she make it out okay?
( it's a bit of a loaded question. she's alive, but okay? steve's not so sure, and the furrow between his brows says as much. )
She's still wanted by the government. I've been trying to get Washington to pardon her, but...at the end of the day, being Captain America only gets you so far.
( he raises his beer to his lips again and takes another drink. )
I haven't heard from her, and I haven't been able to track her down. Doesn't mean I won't stop trying. ( he leans back, his smile somewhat rueful. ) But it also means we probably won't be going out for coffee any time soon.
[ So wait, the government is okay with pardoning the Winter Soldier, but has a problem with Sharon Carter? Their priorities were more skewed than he'd thought.
Bucky grimaces. ]
Yeah, that'll throw any budding relationship for a loop. [ He dips his head a bit at that. ] Sorry about that, pal.
( that's what steve's been saying. but, it probably doesn't help that sharon has been awol, refusing to turn herself in. not that steve blames her. he just wishes she'd let him help her.
ah, well. ) Thanks.
( he reaches for the popcorn. )
It's not just because of Sharon, though. The reason I haven't been dating. It just...hasn't seemed that important. ( he pushes the popcorn into his mouth. )
[ He can understand that, to an extent. Dating used to be such a big deal to him back in the day, even if a lot of it was to keep up appearances and all that. Now? Not so much. It's something to do, at least. ]
I get that. Sort of, I guess. [ He shrugs. ] It's nice to make connections with people, though. Something deeper and all that.
[ Bucky waves a hand vaguely, knowing full well that he's just pulling all of this out of his ass. But it feels wrong, somehow, for Steve to be alone. ]
( sometimes, when steve looks at bucky, he can almost pretend he's still the same smooth-talking lothario he knew in the twenties and thirties. he doesn't know if bucky's new ideas about dating are a sign of maturity, or a consequence of being tortured and brainwashed and surviving, only to be thrown right back on the battlefield to help prevent the apocalypse. probably the second one, but maybe a little of the first one, too. they are in their nineties, after all.
steve raises an eyebrow, and the corner of his mouth slides into a half-smile. )
Is that how you really feel about it? Because a second ago you seemed dead set against it.
Eh. ( he shrugs, smiles, tips his bottle back against his lips. ) I've got all the deeper connections I need.
( or maybe it's just that, with bucky back, he's more interested in reestablishing their connection than making new ones. is it healthy? steve wouldn't want to hear what bucky's therapist might have to say about it.
but, bucky mentioning his therapist again brings steve back to their conversation in the kitchen. maybe he shouldn't keep touching that nerve, but something's still not sitting right with him. so, he steels himself, and says, )
You know, if you don't like your therapist and wanted a new one, I could probably make some inquiries, or... ( he shrugs again, smaller this time. ) Something.
[ He smiles a bit at that. Funny, how they're still in sync after all these years.
That smile fades away as Steve brushes up against the therapy topic once more. Bucky's mouth tightens briefly before he forces out a huffy little laugh. ]
Yeah, you know? I get the feeling that's not gonna help much. [ He shrugs. ] It's not really my thing.
[ No shit it's not your thing, Barnes. He's already mentally kicking himself for that lame excuse, but what else can he do? Say it's not helping him and the nightmares are still haunting him regularly and oh, by the way, they're basically sitting right where he sleeps and isn't that just the saddest goddamn thing you've ever heard?
Christ.
He knocks his drink back. ]
Nice of you to offer, though. [ It's an afterthought, but he means it. Really. ]
( it's not that he wants to make bucky uncomfortable. he's just worried. and he knows he should probably take the hint and let it go, but he's never been very good at letting things go. especially when people he cares about are on the line.
he can hear what bucky's not saying. glimpse the truth behind his excuse. and it only makes him worry more. but he just nods, rolling his bottle slowly between his palms. )
You never know, a new person might make all the difference. Sam— ( he tries to tread lightly here, ) he's great at this kind of stuff. I've heard him speak down at the VA.
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if he senses that bucky's masking something (something that steve caused, because he's an idiot), he doesn't let on. just matches him, smirk for sly smirk. )
I'm gonna hold you to it. That means you have to accept my invite and actually, you know...come over. ( he pushes off the counter and crosses the few feet towards the microwave, peeking at the semi-inflated popcorn bag, then turns back to bucky. ) Maybe even bring something.
( you know. social things. )
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[ He spreads his hands out, gesturing vaguely before lowering them, letting them hang at his sides uselessly for a moment. ]
. . . Sorry. I've been busy. [ Which is a lame excuse, Bucky knows, but at least he's offering it. Better than years on the run without a word, followed by a stint in cryofreeze without much in the way of "hi, how are you, how's the 21st century been treating you?". Baby steps. ] Therapy's kicking my ass.
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Hey—it's okay. ( he drops his hands, then stuffs them in his pockets, fighting the temptation to reach out and lay one on bucky's shoulder. his arm. ) You don't have to apologize. I didn't mean... I was just giving you a hard time.
( like old times. but some things aren't ready to go back to like old times. some things might never be. the popcorn fills the silence with a rat-a-tat-tat of feverish pops, like miniature gunfire. )
You wanna talk about it?
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[ If Bucky expected to feel like a weight had been lifted off of him, he'd be sorely disappointed. Fortunately, at this point, he's come to not really expect anything.
He tenses up briefly as the popcorn begins to pop, the sound all too familiar over the decades for a split second before he reminds himself that no, it's just popcorn. The tension leaves him as quickly as it came. ]
Talk about, what, therapy kicking my ass? It's like a biweekly beating courtesy of the United States government.
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a small, somewhat rueful smile appears on his lips. ) Sounds rough. Do you think it... Is it—helping at all? Or does it just feel like a waste of time?
( he doesn't know what helping would look like. bucky seems to be doing better, but steve knows appearances can be deceiving. he also knows the therapy was more for the lawmakers' peace of mind than out of any genuine desire to help bucky. a band-aid to make them feel like they were addressing the winter soldier problem. if bucky thinks it's helpful, then that's one thing. if not, well. )
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Bucky didn't like lying to Steve, but it came to him easily at this point. No, he wasn't tired after working a double down at the docks. Of course he'd enlisted, it wasn't like he was drafted or anything. He was fine after Azzano, really. Nothing happened. He's fine. It's fine.
It never felt good. ]
Eh, it's alright. [ And at that, he flashes him a toothy grin. ] I say what they want to hear and Doc only rides my ass a little bit. [ and, without missing a beat, he pushes himself away from the counter, walking over to the fridge. ] Are you thirsty? I'm thirsty.
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( the microwave lets out a long, shrill tone. steve deflates. )
...Sure, I could use a drink.
( he waits another moment or two for the last few kernels to pop, then pulls open the microwave and picks out the bag. as he gingerly tears the paper apart, it releases a cloud of steam, and the thick, savory smell of butter fills the air. steve stares down at the bag and gives it a shake. )
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He pulls out a couple of beers, shaking a bottle at him. ]
I don't know if it's just me getting old, but they don't taste nearly as shitty as they used to.
[ Bucky sets them down with a clink, then reaches for a cabinet to get a bowl, rummaging through his mess of dishes. Ordering online made it easy to get some "household essentials" as dictated by the internet, at least, but keeping track of what he put where was another story. ] Where is— aha. Here, use this.
[ He holds out a decent sized bowl with a grin. ]
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( the frustration of moments ago still sits beneath his skin—the words he didn't say stuck on the tip of his tongue—but steve can't help echoing bucky's smile as he tips the bag into the bowl. part of him was fully expecting to have to eat out of the bag. his smile is fleeting, though, flickering out as he casts about for the garbage can.
once he's tossed the bag, he goes over to where bucky set the beers. forgoing a bottle opener, he plies off the caps with his bare hands, picks one up, and takes a drink. he can almost pretend it has a calming effect on his nerves. )
Do you miss it? ( he faces bucky, still gripping his beer. ) Getting drunk.
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[ With a small nod, Bucky steps back out to his living room and takes a seat at one end of the couch. ]
I've gone out a couple times, just casual stuff. People get real concerned if they see the bottles starting to pile up.
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he picks at the label on his bottle. ) Yeah? You been meeting people? ( he pauses. plays that back in his head, and then says, ) You know... Friends. Or—could be more than friends. Either way.
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— meeting people? Steve, come on. [ But it's funny, really. Back in the day, sure, but— ] I've gone to a few bars and had a chat or two with a few folks, sure. But if you're talking about dates? Nah. Have you even looked at the crap people post online? It's something else.
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I meant friends, ( he says again, bringing his beer back down to his lap. ) But...I didn't want to assume.
( is he a tiny bit relieved that bucky's not dating anyone? maybe. but it's selfishly motivated, and he does his best to hide it. )
Well, you don't have to date those people—the ones posting crap online. It narrows the pool, sure, but... ( he clears his throat. ) There are good people out there, too.
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Yeah, I bet you did.
[ It's gentle teasing, though. Bucky reaches over for the bowl, grabbing some popcorn. ]
Okay, if there's good people out there, then why aren't you dating them? [ He raises an eyebrow before shoving the fistful of popcorn into his mouth, munching away. ]
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( and you, he thinks, but doesn't say. he glances at bucky and away again. )
Sharon. Remember? She was the one who helped us—met us at the underpass with our gear.
( bucky probably remembers, considering he was watching when steve and sharon... but it also feels like half a lifetime ago, and bucky's been through a lot since then, so maybe it's not exactly fresh in his memory anymore. )
I don't know if anyone told you, but she's Peggy's niece.
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Of course she'd be Carter's niece. Of course. ]
Yeah? I didn't know that. [ a beat. ] Did she make it out okay?
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She's still wanted by the government. I've been trying to get Washington to pardon her, but...at the end of the day, being Captain America only gets you so far.
( he raises his beer to his lips again and takes another drink. )
I haven't heard from her, and I haven't been able to track her down. Doesn't mean I won't stop trying. ( he leans back, his smile somewhat rueful. ) But it also means we probably won't be going out for coffee any time soon.
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Bucky grimaces. ]
Yeah, that'll throw any budding relationship for a loop. [ He dips his head a bit at that. ] Sorry about that, pal.
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ah, well. ) Thanks.
( he reaches for the popcorn. )
It's not just because of Sharon, though. The reason I haven't been dating. It just...hasn't seemed that important. ( he pushes the popcorn into his mouth. )
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I get that. Sort of, I guess. [ He shrugs. ] It's nice to make connections with people, though. Something deeper and all that.
[ Bucky waves a hand vaguely, knowing full well that he's just pulling all of this out of his ass. But it feels wrong, somehow, for Steve to be alone. ]
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steve raises an eyebrow, and the corner of his mouth slides into a half-smile. )
Is that how you really feel about it? Because a second ago you seemed dead set against it.
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Okay, well, my therapist would say as much. Now, me? Eh. But you, you should be getting out there and making those deeper connections.
[ He takes some popcorn, tossing a piece into his mouth. ]
But hey, if you want to spend time with your good old pal here, you won't hear me complaining.
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Eh. ( he shrugs, smiles, tips his bottle back against his lips. ) I've got all the deeper connections I need.
( or maybe it's just that, with bucky back, he's more interested in reestablishing their connection than making new ones. is it healthy? steve wouldn't want to hear what bucky's therapist might have to say about it.
but, bucky mentioning his therapist again brings steve back to their conversation in the kitchen. maybe he shouldn't keep touching that nerve, but something's still not sitting right with him. so, he steels himself, and says, )
You know, if you don't like your therapist and wanted a new one, I could probably make some inquiries, or... ( he shrugs again, smaller this time. ) Something.
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That smile fades away as Steve brushes up against the therapy topic once more. Bucky's mouth tightens briefly before he forces out a huffy little laugh. ]
Yeah, you know? I get the feeling that's not gonna help much. [ He shrugs. ] It's not really my thing.
[ No shit it's not your thing, Barnes. He's already mentally kicking himself for that lame excuse, but what else can he do? Say it's not helping him and the nightmares are still haunting him regularly and oh, by the way, they're basically sitting right where he sleeps and isn't that just the saddest goddamn thing you've ever heard?
Christ.
He knocks his drink back. ]
Nice of you to offer, though. [ It's an afterthought, but he means it. Really. ]
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he can hear what bucky's not saying. glimpse the truth behind his excuse. and it only makes him worry more. but he just nods, rolling his bottle slowly between his palms. )
You never know, a new person might make all the difference. Sam— ( he tries to tread lightly here, ) he's great at this kind of stuff. I've heard him speak down at the VA.
slowly crawls back from moving hell.
welcome back!
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