[ It'll be a long day from now for Steve to make TJ come to grips with not being broken. It's been brow beaten into him that something is wrong with him—from his attitude to his drug usage to the way he lets other people treat him sometimes (though, he'd like to think that since Sean, he hasn't done that anymore). All the false confidence in the world he can fake, but when it comes right down to it, it's just another mask to hide behind.
Eventually, though, it will come. Just like it will come for them to have a conversation completely sober. Might not be all that level-headed; TJ often feels backed into a corner when serious conversations arise and he'll lash out, do anything to take the heat off of himself so he doesn't have to admit that yes, he wants a relationship. A committed and healthy relationship. Once that happens, an entire new set of problems will arise.
Until then, he's going to coax himself into a false sense of security and be shocked when things come at him and probably fall apart. That's just how things go with TJ. Anything nice he can't keep. ]
What??? That's it??
[ TJ sends along a picture of just the bottom part of his face and showing the slope of his neck. His lips are curled down into a frown. ]
THAT'S all I get for this? You can forget kissing this, buddy. Or feeling it around your dick when you get back.
[ Fortunately, Steve's prepared to stick around until that day, and every day after. More than being prepared for it, he wants to stick around. TJ may not have any confidence in himself, but Steve has enough confidence in TJ for the both of them.
He'll prove there's at least one nice thing TJ can keep (though, if you asked him, there are plenty of nice things TJ could keep if he wanted, if he could be convinced he deserves them).
He laughs at the text, smiling all the way to his eyes and showing his teeth, even as the picture hits him with another pang of longing square in the chest. What he wouldn't give to be done with this mission and crawling into TJ's bed and kissing that mouth (or the other thing TJ described, though he'd be more than happy with just kissing). Still grinning to himself, he taps out a response. ]
Sorry, I'm not much of a poet. But I swear you're better than not bad. I could paint a picture in honor of just your mouth and how perfect it is. [ The truth is he's drawn it at least a dozen times, smiling and looking soft and serious and caught between his teeth in that way that drives Steve crazy. ]
[ Unfortunately, TJ doesn't realize that Steve will stick around. By now he's convinced himself that once Steve finds out all of TJ's truths, the ones he tries to keep buried under layers and layers of humor and sarcasm, that he'll turn away from him. Most of all, TJ holds on to the fear that Sean was right, and he is nothing but a punchline.
Maybe he is. Maybe that's just how his life is going to be.
Whatever it is, though, he doesn't want to be told by anyone else. He'd rather continue to think he's got the upperhand in all of this and if whatever he's got with Steve starts to go sour, TJ will be the one able to jump ship first.
These thoughts are already beginning to creep into his mind, as they are wont to do whenever things feel like they're going well enough between them. Especially so when Steve's far enough away and TJ has no real idea when he'll see him next. That's plenty of space and time for the worry and worthlessness to creep in and take root. ]
That's more like it.
[ Or, at least it's enough to have a smile housing itself on TJ's lips. He should probably clean himself off, get some clothes on, and so forth. Instead, all he does is just push everything out of the way and wriggle himself under the covers so he's settled on his side. For several seconds he stares at the other side of the bed as if it could offer him something out of thin air. (It doesn't.) He takes a picture of the empty side of the bed and sends it along. ]
[ Even if TJ does jump ship, Steve will still be there. Maybe then TJ will see that not everyone's like Sean and that he's more than just a punchline. He's so much more. And Sean better pray he never runs into Steve or they'll see who the punchline really is.
If he were there with TJ now, he'd wrap him up and keep all those doubts at bay. (He knows TJ has doubts, even if he doesn't know how deep they go or where they come from.) As he stares at his phone, wondering how much TJ would laugh at him if he said exactly what's on his mind, when the picture comes through.
As he looks at the empty bed, his smile falls a little and his eyes soften. He can almost smell TJ's sheets. It's like there's a fist in his chest, squeezing his heart. ]
I'll get you a dog. It can warm the bed while I'm gone.
[ Unfortunately, that will probably be the awakening that TJ needs. That even if he's fucked up, Steve will still stick around and not out of duty or pity, but because he wants to. So, if he winds up flipping his shit one day...
If Steve were here with him now, TJ would accept being wrapped up in his arms—seriously, no complaints, Steve has amazing arms—and feeling warm and comforted. Closing his eyes, he can almost imagine Steve here. But, it's not enough. Not even close.
The phone goes off in his hand, and TJ takes his time opening his eyes and ruining his own illusion to read the text and he just laughs. ]
What the hell am I going to do with a dog?
[ Really, Steve. ]
I can barely take care of myself and you want me to be responsible for another living thing??
[ If he winds up flipping his shit one day, Steve can handle it. It may be uncharted territory for him, but after helping bring Bucky back from the grave he knows there's nothing he wouldn't do for someone he really cares about, even when they yell at him or try to push him away or disappear for three months with no warning and no phone call. Hell, he continually lays himself down on the wire for people he doesn't know, it's the least he can do for his loved ones to stick around when they need him, or he thinks they need him.
And he knows TJ's dealt with some fucked up things in his life. He may not be a brainwashed ex-Soviet assassin, but he has a lot of very real demons that Steve's more than willing to fight with him, if TJ wants.
His smile returns full-force at TJ's response. ] You might surprise yourself.
[ The next question requires a little more thought. Steve's never owned a dog, and he hasn't done a lot of research on different dog breeds, but. (But he might do that the next time he's sitting in front of his laptop.) ]
I heard it's good to get rescue dogs. But it would have to be one that's not too young, so it doesn't need to be watched 24/7, and it would have to be trainable so you can train it to sit outside the bedroom without whining for when I'm home.
[ TJ does want that, yes. It's just admitting it to himself and to Steve that's going to cause a problem. There's a burden in TJ's issues, even he feels the embarrassment. Not to mention he's incredibly selfish so he thinks his problems are bigger than they are. Asking for help isn't something that he does anymore because he doesn't believe anyone cares enough to stick around and give him a hand when he needs it. It's just something he's adapting to; but even he can admit to himself it's getting pretty lonely.
In all honesty, TJ's never entertained the idea of getting a pet. They're too much responsibility and for a long time, TJ didn't want to have any. He wanted to leave his apartment whenever he felt like it to go wherever the wind took him. Having to make sure another living thing is alive and well on his watch... He feels like that might be a disaster waiting to happen.
But, there's nothing wrong with talking about things in "what if" scenarios. ]
Oh, so that's how it's going to be, huh? Putting the poor thing out of house and home just when you're back in town. Maybe I'll have to train you to get used to it being in the bed.
[ Exactly. Nothing wrong with talking about "what ifs," especially if it'll help Steve wile away the time while he waits for word from Fury and Hill. He meant it when he said he's bad at the waiting part. Sitting out was never his strong suit, even when he was a skinny kid picking fights in the streets of Brooklyn, but he got a taste of adrenaline and purpose during the war that he's craved ever since. Now, whenever he's not in the field, there's a restlessness that sits under his skin, like an itch he can't scratch.
In that sense, he understands a little of what TJ goes through.
So talking to TJ about the unlikely scenario of having a pet (together, even if they're not saying that part out loud, that's basically the conversation), it's a pleasant distraction. ]
I'm not saying it can't be in the bed with us. Just don't want it watching the things I'm going to do to you when I get back.
[ Right now he's too close to the situation to realize this particular "what if" scenario is having them make a big commitment together. Even though it would be mostly TJ's responsibility in the long run, since it would be living with him all the time. And it's not like he and Steve are together 24/7 when Steve is around (granted, they probably spent more time together than TJ has collective spent with a year's worth of one night stands, but that's neither here nor there).
This whole thing is going to be put out of his mind—for the most part—right up until the moment Steve shows up at TJ's door with a dog in his arms.
Then he's probably going to regret a lot of life choices. ]
[ It started out as a joke, but the idea appeals to Steve the more they talk about it. He might just be envisioning himself showing up at TJ's house one day with a dog. Not a small dog, but a happy-go-lucky sporting dog that needs to be walked twice a day and that would take up a reasonable amount of space in the bed when he's not there. It's not like he stays over every night even when he is home (since they're not, you know, texhnically official or anything), and sometimes he invites TJ to his place and he stays the night instead. But even though it's not every night, it happens often enough and it's happening more and more.
Plus, a dog might be good for TJ, to have another living creature that depends on him and loves him unconditionally. He may not be ready to accept it from another person, but the dog could get him used to the idea. Steve remembers seeing something that said people with dogs tend to live longer.
So maybe it's not that far out to think about getting a dog. Maybe he'll run it by Sam later, and see if it sounds crazy or not. ]
[ Sure, getting him a dog he'll have to actively take care of is a great idea. He'll hate it at first, having to constantly be aware of taking it out, making sure it gets enough exercise, and whatnot. Eventually he'll find a dog park. Then he can meet other attractive men with dogs and learn a whole new way of picking guys up.
Congratulations in aiding and abetting, Steve.
(Except it probably won't wind up that way at all. TJ might give a passing thought to doing something, but less and less other people occupy his mind and more and more it's focused around Steve. It's not that he wants it this way, it just keeps happening.) ]
[ Hey, as long as TJ's happy, Steve won't care what he does with the dog. Would he be disappointed if TJ picked up another guy with a dog? Probably. But he'd get over it.
Probably.
Let's just say it's something he doesn't want to think about it while things are going good between them. Above all, he wants what's best for TJ, his own happiness be damned. When has he ever put his own happiness above others? (Never, though he refuses to admit it's a problem.) ]
But a dog? That's weird. It's like having a kid in the room. [ Still, he's smiling that stupid smile that hasn't left his face since they started talking about this. ] What if it jumps on the bed in the middle?
[ Maybe, just maybe, once in a while Steve should employ being a little selfish. In the case of TJ Hammond, he's probably going to have to voice some sort of selfishness if he wants this to work out. Because TJ will be greedy and keep taking what he wants from anyone who's going to give it to him until he's told otherwise.
What's best for TJ is someone to help control him a little. Steve could probably do it if he put his man pants on. If he's that big of an idiot to believe that TJ can make him happy, he needs to just put it all out on the table. That way TJ has enough time to freak out about it then come to terms with it. ]
Don't know. Might bite you, think you're attacking me or something.
[ Excuse. The only kinds of pants he wears are man pants. (Except for the period of time where he wore tights and booty shorts, but that wasn't exactly a high point in his life anyway.) Once it hits him that TJ makes him happy, happier than he's been in a long, long time, he'll make it perfectly clear before he lets TJ go—he never backs down without a fight. But after that the ball will be in TJ's court and then he'll be the one needing to put on his man pants and admit that he wants Steve in his life. If he has to wait around for TJ to come to the realization first himself, so be it.
In the meantime, he'll at least want visition rights for the dog. ]
[ Well, Steve's definitely going to have to do some waiting for TJ to get his adult pants on. Because he generally, as a rule, doesn't wear those. He doesn't like it. It's just a form of protection, though. He just doesn't want to get hurt again.
Though, deep down, he probably already knows that Steve won't treat him the way Sean did. It's already happening. TJ just needs to open his eyes and stop being so blind. ]
If anyone can recover quickly from that, it's you. ;)
[ Well TJ's in luck, because Steve thinks he might just be worth the wait. He's not going to treat him like Sean, and if he hasn't convinced TJ of that already he's not sure how else he could do it. Only time will make TJ truly believe it.
The next text makes him laugh, a warm puff of breath between his lips. ]
It still hurts, you know. I'm not going to get you a dog if you're just going to sic it on me.
[ He's going to have no idea what to do with that. No one's ever considered him worth much of anything. Much less someone worth waiting for. Steve's got his work cut out for him. ]
Hey. I can't predict what a wild animal is going to do. Not my fault.
[ Prepare yourself for some proper loving, TJ. It's the only way Steve knows how to love: completely and unconditionally. (Not unlike their hypothetical dog.) ]
I can. That's why it's not staying in the room during sex. My one condition.
[ He can ignore it all he wants. It won't stop it from happening. ]
I don't know if I'd call that an adventure. Besides, we could still get caught outside the bedroom. Not like we'd be able to keep the dog out of the living room.
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Eventually, though, it will come. Just like it will come for them to have a conversation completely sober. Might not be all that level-headed; TJ often feels backed into a corner when serious conversations arise and he'll lash out, do anything to take the heat off of himself so he doesn't have to admit that yes, he wants a relationship. A committed and healthy relationship. Once that happens, an entire new set of problems will arise.
Until then, he's going to coax himself into a false sense of security and be shocked when things come at him and probably fall apart. That's just how things go with TJ. Anything nice he can't keep. ]
What??? That's it??
[ TJ sends along a picture of just the bottom part of his face and showing the slope of his neck. His lips are curled down into a frown. ]
THAT'S all I get for this? You can forget kissing this, buddy. Or feeling it around your dick when you get back.
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He'll prove there's at least one nice thing TJ can keep (though, if you asked him, there are plenty of nice things TJ could keep if he wanted, if he could be convinced he deserves them).
He laughs at the text, smiling all the way to his eyes and showing his teeth, even as the picture hits him with another pang of longing square in the chest. What he wouldn't give to be done with this mission and crawling into TJ's bed and kissing that mouth (or the other thing TJ described, though he'd be more than happy with just kissing). Still grinning to himself, he taps out a response. ]
Sorry, I'm not much of a poet. But I swear you're better than not bad. I could paint a picture in honor of just your mouth and how perfect it is. [ The truth is he's drawn it at least a dozen times, smiling and looking soft and serious and caught between his teeth in that way that drives Steve crazy. ]
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Maybe he is. Maybe that's just how his life is going to be.
Whatever it is, though, he doesn't want to be told by anyone else. He'd rather continue to think he's got the upperhand in all of this and if whatever he's got with Steve starts to go sour, TJ will be the one able to jump ship first.
These thoughts are already beginning to creep into his mind, as they are wont to do whenever things feel like they're going well enough between them. Especially so when Steve's far enough away and TJ has no real idea when he'll see him next. That's plenty of space and time for the worry and worthlessness to creep in and take root. ]
That's more like it.
[ Or, at least it's enough to have a smile housing itself on TJ's lips. He should probably clean himself off, get some clothes on, and so forth. Instead, all he does is just push everything out of the way and wriggle himself under the covers so he's settled on his side. For several seconds he stares at the other side of the bed as if it could offer him something out of thin air. (It doesn't.) He takes a picture of the empty side of the bed and sends it along. ]
The bed is so boring and empty without you in it.
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If he were there with TJ now, he'd wrap him up and keep all those doubts at bay. (He knows TJ has doubts, even if he doesn't know how deep they go or where they come from.) As he stares at his phone, wondering how much TJ would laugh at him if he said exactly what's on his mind, when the picture comes through.
As he looks at the empty bed, his smile falls a little and his eyes soften. He can almost smell TJ's sheets. It's like there's a fist in his chest, squeezing his heart. ]
I'll get you a dog. It can warm the bed while I'm gone.
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If Steve were here with him now, TJ would accept being wrapped up in his arms—seriously, no complaints, Steve has amazing arms—and feeling warm and comforted. Closing his eyes, he can almost imagine Steve here. But, it's not enough. Not even close.
The phone goes off in his hand, and TJ takes his time opening his eyes and ruining his own illusion to read the text and he just laughs. ]
What the hell am I going to do with a dog?
[ Really, Steve. ]
I can barely take care of myself and you want me to be responsible for another living thing??
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Not that I'm entertaining the idea, but what kind would you get me?
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And he knows TJ's dealt with some fucked up things in his life. He may not be a brainwashed ex-Soviet assassin, but he has a lot of very real demons that Steve's more than willing to fight with him, if TJ wants.
His smile returns full-force at TJ's response. ] You might surprise yourself.
[ The next question requires a little more thought. Steve's never owned a dog, and he hasn't done a lot of research on different dog breeds, but. (But he might do that the next time he's sitting in front of his laptop.) ]
I heard it's good to get rescue dogs. But it would have to be one that's not too young, so it doesn't need to be watched 24/7, and it would have to be trainable so you can train it to sit outside the bedroom without whining for when I'm home.
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In all honesty, TJ's never entertained the idea of getting a pet. They're too much responsibility and for a long time, TJ didn't want to have any. He wanted to leave his apartment whenever he felt like it to go wherever the wind took him. Having to make sure another living thing is alive and well on his watch... He feels like that might be a disaster waiting to happen.
But, there's nothing wrong with talking about things in "what if" scenarios. ]
Oh, so that's how it's going to be, huh? Putting the poor thing out of house and home just when you're back in town. Maybe I'll have to train you to get used to it being in the bed.
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In that sense, he understands a little of what TJ goes through.
So talking to TJ about the unlikely scenario of having a pet (together, even if they're not saying that part out loud, that's basically the conversation), it's a pleasant distraction. ]
I'm not saying it can't be in the bed with us. Just don't want it watching the things I'm going to do to you when I get back.
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This whole thing is going to be put out of his mind—for the most part—right up until the moment Steve shows up at TJ's door with a dog in his arms.
Then he's probably going to regret a lot of life choices. ]
You mean you don't want it watching us fuck.
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Plus, a dog might be good for TJ, to have another living creature that depends on him and loves him unconditionally. He may not be ready to accept it from another person, but the dog could get him used to the idea. Steve remembers seeing something that said people with dogs tend to live longer.
So maybe it's not that far out to think about getting a dog. Maybe he'll run it by Sam later, and see if it sounds crazy or not. ]
What, are you saying you do?
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Congratulations in aiding and abetting, Steve.
(Except it probably won't wind up that way at all. TJ might give a passing thought to doing something, but less and less other people occupy his mind and more and more it's focused around Steve. It's not that he wants it this way, it just keeps happening.) ]
You're asking if I mind having an audience. Me.
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Probably.
Let's just say it's something he doesn't want to think about it while things are going good between them. Above all, he wants what's best for TJ, his own happiness be damned. When has he ever put his own happiness above others? (Never, though he refuses to admit it's a problem.) ]
But a dog? That's weird. It's like having a kid in the room. [ Still, he's smiling that stupid smile that hasn't left his face since they started talking about this. ] What if it jumps on the bed in the middle?
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What's best for TJ is someone to help control him a little. Steve could probably do it if he put his man pants on. If he's that big of an idiot to believe that TJ can make him happy, he needs to just put it all out on the table. That way TJ has enough time to freak out about it then come to terms with it. ]
Don't know. Might bite you, think you're attacking me or something.
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In the meantime, he'll at least want visition rights for the dog. ]
Exactly. Is that what you'd want to happen?
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Though, deep down, he probably already knows that Steve won't treat him the way Sean did. It's already happening. TJ just needs to open his eyes and stop being so blind. ]
If anyone can recover quickly from that, it's you. ;)
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The next text makes him laugh, a warm puff of breath between his lips. ]
It still hurts, you know. I'm not going to get you a dog if you're just going to sic it on me.
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Hey. I can't predict what a wild animal is going to do. Not my fault.
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I can. That's why it's not staying in the room during sex. My one condition.
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I'll put it under advisement. It will have to be discussed and all parties in agreement.
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Fine. Just keep in mind I'm not having sex with you if the dog's there.
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You have no sense of domestic adventure.
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I don't know if I'd call that an adventure. Besides, we could still get caught outside the bedroom. Not like we'd be able to keep the dog out of the living room.
Or the kitchen.
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Planning on defiling my entire apartment, are you?
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You're the one who said he wanted adventure. [ So, yes. ]
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