[ Of course he doesn't have any problem getting filthy pictures. Selfish bastard. But, TJ doesn't really care. Eventually he'll get something. Probably. If he doesn't, well, this is definitely going to stop. This isn't a free show!!
At first, he thinks to take a picture, but then decides to just push the envelope again. Propping his phone up against some things, he takes a video again. He lays back, legs spread, and a moment later, he's easing the toy inside. It's a burn that has pleasure tingling all over his body, breathing coming out shallowly. Once it's fully seated in him, TJ's head drops back and a soft "Fuck—" spills over his lips.
It only takes one more second before he begins slowly fucking himself with it, breathing audibly and his voice slightly shaky. ]
This what you want?
[ It ends a moment later and TJ sends it through. ]
what, his embarrassing underwear or getting fucked
[ he did have a problem with getting filthy pictures, he just can't remember what it is right now. and that's entirely tj's fault.
when he receives a video instead of a picture, his breath catches in his throat and his cock throbs in his hand. as he watches it, his mouth dry, his heart hammering, it takes all his effort not to come on the spot. he almost can't believe this is happening but he's really really glad that it is. ]
Holy shit. Yeah.
[ he watches it one (okay, three) more times, and even after he puts his phone down, the image and the sounds are engrained in his memory, replaying themselves in the home theater of his mind. as he strokes himself now he imagines it's his cock moving in and out of tj's body and taking him apart from the inside out. his head falls back on the pillow and he closes his eyes again, breathing heavily, pulling his fist over his cock. won't be long now.
but he still needs that connection to tj. he takes up his phone again. ]
You're amazing. I want you, so badly. Wish you were here. [ he stops and remembers where here is, and exhales a dry laugh, a small self-effacing grin on his lips. ] Actually, I wish I was there.
[ he shifts and adjusts his grip, twisting his wrist at the base of his cock. ]
[ Come down from that prudish pedestal, grandma. This is how couples do things in the future.
While he waits for Steve to reply, he continues to fuck himself open. TJ rolls his hips down, going a little faster, trying to push in a little harder. He knows he should probably be doing this a different way, but it doesn't matter. He'll be coming one way or the other.
When those next texts come through, he does stop, and his entire body flushes. Steve is always saying these things and TJ just doesn't understand. Most of the time he barely feels worthy of them. At least right this second, he's glad Steve's actually not here. Somehow, he needs to get himself under control to stop blushing when he gets compliments like these. ]
I wish we were some place where your work couldn't disturb us.
[ #truefacts ]
It doesn't feel nearly as good as you do. You have such a perfect cock.
[ it's not prudish he just needs time to get used to it, ok? he thinks he's adapting quite well all things considered.
he's still replaying that video in his head (and maybe once more on his phone) as he waits for the reply. if he had any idea he was missing out on seeing tj full-body blush, he'd be incredibly sad. so it's a good thing he has no idea because he's in a really good place right now—as good as he can be when there's this much distance between them. but it only seems fair that steve can say thing that make tj blush, since tj does it to him all the time.
the first text draws a laugh from him, nothing more than a huffed breath and a smile. he'd agree if he didn't know, deep down, how important his work was. ever since project insight, he doesn't get called in to be someone's clean-up crew anymore. there's no more dirty work, which steve didn't know was dirty (but that's no excuse), just real superhero work that makes him feel like he's actually good for something at the end of the day. there's probably little else that could keep him away from tj for so long.
the second text makes him flush, brushing his face and neck and chest pink. his instinct is to deny it, but he has enough sense to know that's not very sexy. so he goes with something else that's playful but no less genuine. ]
You deserve the best.
[ #truefacts ]
I'll make it up to you when I get back. Is it going to be enough for now?
[ because steve is getting pretty damn close and doesn't know how much longer he can hold off. his hand is slower, dragging out the end, the way he likes to savor fucking tj sometimes. during those times, he'll thrust lazily and sink in until their hips are flush against each other, pull out just as slowly and do it all over again, and again until tj begs him to go faster or he can't take it anymore, whichever comes first. ]
[ They'll likely argue until they're blue in the face over what TJ deserves or doesn't deserve. He's of mind to think that he doesn't deserve anything nice, or anything this good. Steve is this amazing, almost untouchable thing sometimes and TJ often doesn't feel worthy of being allowed to have him or accept anything by means of real affection.
So, it's questionable what TJ actually deserves.
But, he can't concentrate on that now. If he does, he's going to lose this thread of arousal and that's really not going to be all that fun. So, he closes his eyes and wraps his hand around his cock instead, pumping with quick pulls of his hand, his thumb teasing over the head. When he feels like he's back in a good place, he slows, lazily pulling his hand along the shaft. ]
No, it's not. But, it's going to have to do.
[ He wants more, so much more, but he can't have it. So he's going to have to settle. ]
Tell me what you'd do to me right now to make me come.
[ there's no question in steve's mind about what tj deserves. he deserves the best, to have good and nice things, to be happy. and one day steve will convince him of it, or at least he'll try for as long as there's still breath in his lungs.
he wishes tj didn't have to settle, but he holds back from apologizing again. instead, he pushes his cock through his fist and thinks, what would he do to make tj come? (god, what wouldn't he do?) ]
I'd take you by the hips and fuck you so hard and fast you wouldn't be able to speak.
[ he grips himself more tightly and speeds up his hand a bit, just enough to keep himself near the edge. ]
But I'm close so I'd give you a hand too, jerk you off while I fucked you until you had no choice but to come.
[ Should Steve actually stick around for a while, this will be a point of contention. TJ feels like he doesn't deserve a lot. He's selfish, sure. But when it comes to relationships, there's some sort of block that prevents him from actively going after what he wants. Time and time again he tells himself he doesn't want or need anything, that maybe Sean was right and he just was a big fucking joke. Who needs any sort of intimate connection to anyone when he can just use sex as a means of pretending he's got some sort of control over his life?
Later, after he's gotten off and done talking to Steve—who he figures will undoubtedly have to go soon—he'll let the darker thoughts curl around his mind again. So, he's actively trying to ignore them now.
He groans after getting that text and tightens his fist around his cock. It's easy to remember just what Steve's hands feel like as they grip his hips with bruising strength. Maybe he shouldn't, but he loves it, loves seeing the mottled colors on his skin when he looks at himself later or the next day. This isn't fair. He wants Steve so badly right now he can practically taste it on his tongue. Frustrated at their distance all over again and the fact that he moves his hand from his cock so he can set his phone up to record, he makes a noise, grumbling to himself that Steve is going to owe him big once he's back from what-the-fuck-ever.
Hitting record, he begins stroking himself all over again, quick pulls of his hand along the shaft as he's already too close and he can feel his pulse as his cock throbs in his hand. The view point is enough to give Steve the view of the toy still being inside him as he jerks himself off to completion. Of which he reaches rather quickly. His body freezes, legs twitching as if to close, but he keeps them spread. His breathing is stilted, a soft moan wrangling itself free as he comes, uncaring that he's making a mess all over himself.
It takes him a minute or so to come down, breathing hard and residual tremors shake through his limbs. Lazily, he drags his fingers over his cock and through a streak of come on his stomach. Lifting them, TJ begins licking them clean, being incredibly thorough. The video ends there. ]
[ One thing TJ will eventually learn about Steve, if he gives him the chance, is that he always sticks around (when he's physically able, i.e. when he's not going to war overseas or sacrificing himself to save the world, which seems to happen more than one would think). But he wants to stick around for TJ. He's missed too many opportunities in his life, he doesn't want to miss another.
(Sam asked him once what made him happy, and he thinks he might be figuring it out, finally.)
But that's a conversation for another time. After sending the texts, describing how he'd make TJ come, it's all he can think about. He doesn't always mean to leave bruises on TJ's hips, but sometimes he gets carried away. (The first time it happened, he felt terrible and apologized profusely until TJ told him he liked it. He still doesn't try to hurt him purposefully, but if TJ rolls away with a few fingerprints on his hips and ass, Steve doesn't beat himself up over it. Much.) There's a familiar tightening in his gut, the pressure building as he strokes himself, rolls the skin back from the head each time he pushes his cock through the tight circle of his fist and the sensation dances up and down his spine.
He bites back a curse as he watches the video, pinching his lip between his teeth hard enough to bruise. TJ coming is one of the hottest things he's ever seen or will see, he's certain. He could watch it again and again and never get tired of it (it hasn't even sunk in yet that he could actually do that, now that he has a video). But it's TJ sucking his own come off his fingers that does it, that sends Steve over the edge and he comes after a series of harsh breaths and a single low, heated moan that he just can't hold back.
For a minute, he closes his eyes and lets the aftershocks ripple through him, milking every last drop from his cock, uncaring of the mess on his own stomach.
With his clean hand, he reaches for his phone and types the only thing his brain can muster- ] You drive me crazy.
[ If he's honest, which he might be, TJ would say that coming alone is a waste of good jizz. Being alone isn't particularly satisfying in any other way than taking the edge off. But, even then it usually returns and then he's right back where he started. This is one reason why he chose to spend many (many, many, many) nights with other people rather than alone.
Coming is just better when there's someone else to clean it up.
He lies there, forcing his body to come down and making all attempts to steady his breath. The toy is pulled out and he groans at the loss of the fullness and the resulting shiver that shakes up his spine. For several moments he stares at it, inwardly accusing it of not being nearly as satisfying as Steve's cock.
After that bout of slight insanity of internally chastising a sex toy, he turns his attention to his phone and said object of affection. Both hands are wiped off before he finally attempts to return the text; a smile pulling up his lips as his mind supplies what Steve would sound like saying something like that after a nice, long, heady round of fucking.
Which is exactly what he's aiming for whenever Steve gets back. ]
[ For someone like Steve, who won't isn't interested in casual sex and rarely gets close enough to anyone to the point of having sex with them, coming alone is pretty much the only way it happens. When he's not in a relationship, he doesn't mind it. But, ever since he got close to TJ, it's become way less satisfying. Maybe they're not technically in a relationship (or maybe they are, he can't say since they haven't actually talked about it), but they're something.
TJ means a lot to him. And he's missing him fiercely right now.
If TJ's insane for chastizing his sex toy, Steve's probably equally as insane for being jealous of it. That vanishes when his phone goes off again. With a small smile on his lips, he uses his clean hand to send a response. ]
Right now? Definitely the good kind.
[ He stares at the screen for a moment, tracing the edge of the phone with his thumb. ]
[ They definitely are something, all right. What that something is, TJ's not entirely sure of. Eventually they're probably going to have to have a talk about it—which is definitely something he's not all that thrilled about. He doesn't want anything to get ruined. Whatever sort of thing they have right now (it's a relationship, TJ's just too afraid to use the word) is fine. They don't need to slap a label on it and make things serious.
That's the danger zone.
At this point, TJ's gotten pretty damn good at ignoring all the internal cues that his heart might want a little bit more than his head allows, so it's not really on his mind. And, also, it's a pretty damn good thing that he can't see the look of affection he gives his stupid phone when that second text comes through.
(God help him. He's got it bad.) ]
Wish you could, too. Christ you have the perfect mouth for kissing.
[ To be honest, Steve's afraid to talk about it, too. He's not afraid of much, he's not afraid of Nazis, aliens, or jumping out of planes without a parachute, but he's afraid of talking about what's going on between him and TJ. The fear stems from not knowing for certain how TJ will react, and Steve isn't usually afraid of the unknown but this is different. He doesn't want to lose TJ. They have a really good thing going, and Steve does not want to upset it.
But every day that goes by, it gets harder to keep from spilling his heart out whenever they're together. It gets harder to keep from asking if TJ feels the same, if he'd be fine with being Steve's and Steve's alone. He knows it's not assumed just because they're sleeping together, though he wishes it were. Things would be so much easier.
Many words could be used to describe Steve's life, but easy isn't one of them.
He smiles at his phone, feeling warm and content, and the last thing he wants to do is get up and put his uniform back on. (But, he reasons, the sooner he does that, the sooner he completes this mission, the sooner he can see TJ again.) He catches his bottom lip between his teeth, his cheeks growing hot. ]
And if I didn't? Would you still want to kiss me then?
[ After he sends the message, he rolls off the bed and leaves his phone among the sheets, cleans up in the bathroom, and starts redressing. ]
[ Making assumptions is likely one of the worst things that could happen. In fact, it has a tendency to just make things worse. Then it's followed up with a messy fight and so on and so forth. Dirty business, no one wants to deal with something like that. Least of all TJ.
In all honesty, Steve's best bet is to wait until one night when TJ's drunk enough to be in a good mood and attempt the conversation then. He'd be far more apt to being honest after being plied with drinks and a good time. And honesty about where they stand with one another is what they both need. TJ's a coward—knows it and readily admits to it—so he doesn't want to let anyone in and see that cowardice or how fucked up he is on the inside. Because as far as TJ can see, he's too broken to ever be fixed.
On the other end of things, TJ still lies naked in the bed, feeling no rush to get dressed what so ever. What's the point? He's got nowhere to be, no one's coming over. What he wants is who knows where being a hero, so he's staging a peaceful, quiet protest. That includes wearing no clothes in bed. Also apparently sexting. Maybe he'll just stay here until Steve gets back. Like John Lennon and Yoko Ono. ]
Steve. Don't be stupid.
[ That's first and foremost. TJ knows enough about Steve by now to know comments like that aren't fishing for compliments like they would be from other people. Steve just thinks that poorly of himself and TJ still doesn't understand why. ]
You're still you, so regardless the shape of your mouth or how ridiculously full your bottom lip is, your mouth would still be perfect for kissing.
[ One day Steve's going to make TJ realize he's not as broken as he thinks he is. And they're going to talk, and maybe TJ won't be entirely sober the first time it happens, but eventually they'll have a talk while they're both clear in the head. Maybe it'll end well, maybe it won't. Steve won't give up without a fight, though, once the cards are on the table, unless he thought TJ really didn't want this. Want him.
So far, he hasn't gotten that impression.
God, does he wish he were in bed with TJ instead of a shitty motel room. He returns to his phone once he's suited up. Before glancing at it, he moves it to the nightstand and straightens out the sheets so it was like he was never there (doing things he shouldn't have been doing on a mission, Christ, that was reckless, even for him). Then, he sits on the floor with his phone, his back against the bed, and checks the messages.
His smile returns full-force, warmth blooming in his chest and spreading outwards to his fingertips. He doesn't mean to be self-deprecating, but sometimes he still feels like that skinny kid from Brooklyn who no one looked twice at. This time at least, he'd been teasing, but underneath the teasing there's always a grain of genuine doubt. ]
[ It'll be a long day from now for Steve to make TJ come to grips with not being broken. It's been brow beaten into him that something is wrong with him—from his attitude to his drug usage to the way he lets other people treat him sometimes (though, he'd like to think that since Sean, he hasn't done that anymore). All the false confidence in the world he can fake, but when it comes right down to it, it's just another mask to hide behind.
Eventually, though, it will come. Just like it will come for them to have a conversation completely sober. Might not be all that level-headed; TJ often feels backed into a corner when serious conversations arise and he'll lash out, do anything to take the heat off of himself so he doesn't have to admit that yes, he wants a relationship. A committed and healthy relationship. Once that happens, an entire new set of problems will arise.
Until then, he's going to coax himself into a false sense of security and be shocked when things come at him and probably fall apart. That's just how things go with TJ. Anything nice he can't keep. ]
What??? That's it??
[ TJ sends along a picture of just the bottom part of his face and showing the slope of his neck. His lips are curled down into a frown. ]
THAT'S all I get for this? You can forget kissing this, buddy. Or feeling it around your dick when you get back.
[ Fortunately, Steve's prepared to stick around until that day, and every day after. More than being prepared for it, he wants to stick around. TJ may not have any confidence in himself, but Steve has enough confidence in TJ for the both of them.
He'll prove there's at least one nice thing TJ can keep (though, if you asked him, there are plenty of nice things TJ could keep if he wanted, if he could be convinced he deserves them).
He laughs at the text, smiling all the way to his eyes and showing his teeth, even as the picture hits him with another pang of longing square in the chest. What he wouldn't give to be done with this mission and crawling into TJ's bed and kissing that mouth (or the other thing TJ described, though he'd be more than happy with just kissing). Still grinning to himself, he taps out a response. ]
Sorry, I'm not much of a poet. But I swear you're better than not bad. I could paint a picture in honor of just your mouth and how perfect it is. [ The truth is he's drawn it at least a dozen times, smiling and looking soft and serious and caught between his teeth in that way that drives Steve crazy. ]
[ Unfortunately, TJ doesn't realize that Steve will stick around. By now he's convinced himself that once Steve finds out all of TJ's truths, the ones he tries to keep buried under layers and layers of humor and sarcasm, that he'll turn away from him. Most of all, TJ holds on to the fear that Sean was right, and he is nothing but a punchline.
Maybe he is. Maybe that's just how his life is going to be.
Whatever it is, though, he doesn't want to be told by anyone else. He'd rather continue to think he's got the upperhand in all of this and if whatever he's got with Steve starts to go sour, TJ will be the one able to jump ship first.
These thoughts are already beginning to creep into his mind, as they are wont to do whenever things feel like they're going well enough between them. Especially so when Steve's far enough away and TJ has no real idea when he'll see him next. That's plenty of space and time for the worry and worthlessness to creep in and take root. ]
That's more like it.
[ Or, at least it's enough to have a smile housing itself on TJ's lips. He should probably clean himself off, get some clothes on, and so forth. Instead, all he does is just push everything out of the way and wriggle himself under the covers so he's settled on his side. For several seconds he stares at the other side of the bed as if it could offer him something out of thin air. (It doesn't.) He takes a picture of the empty side of the bed and sends it along. ]
[ Even if TJ does jump ship, Steve will still be there. Maybe then TJ will see that not everyone's like Sean and that he's more than just a punchline. He's so much more. And Sean better pray he never runs into Steve or they'll see who the punchline really is.
If he were there with TJ now, he'd wrap him up and keep all those doubts at bay. (He knows TJ has doubts, even if he doesn't know how deep they go or where they come from.) As he stares at his phone, wondering how much TJ would laugh at him if he said exactly what's on his mind, when the picture comes through.
As he looks at the empty bed, his smile falls a little and his eyes soften. He can almost smell TJ's sheets. It's like there's a fist in his chest, squeezing his heart. ]
I'll get you a dog. It can warm the bed while I'm gone.
[ Unfortunately, that will probably be the awakening that TJ needs. That even if he's fucked up, Steve will still stick around and not out of duty or pity, but because he wants to. So, if he winds up flipping his shit one day...
If Steve were here with him now, TJ would accept being wrapped up in his arms—seriously, no complaints, Steve has amazing arms—and feeling warm and comforted. Closing his eyes, he can almost imagine Steve here. But, it's not enough. Not even close.
The phone goes off in his hand, and TJ takes his time opening his eyes and ruining his own illusion to read the text and he just laughs. ]
What the hell am I going to do with a dog?
[ Really, Steve. ]
I can barely take care of myself and you want me to be responsible for another living thing??
[ If he winds up flipping his shit one day, Steve can handle it. It may be uncharted territory for him, but after helping bring Bucky back from the grave he knows there's nothing he wouldn't do for someone he really cares about, even when they yell at him or try to push him away or disappear for three months with no warning and no phone call. Hell, he continually lays himself down on the wire for people he doesn't know, it's the least he can do for his loved ones to stick around when they need him, or he thinks they need him.
And he knows TJ's dealt with some fucked up things in his life. He may not be a brainwashed ex-Soviet assassin, but he has a lot of very real demons that Steve's more than willing to fight with him, if TJ wants.
His smile returns full-force at TJ's response. ] You might surprise yourself.
[ The next question requires a little more thought. Steve's never owned a dog, and he hasn't done a lot of research on different dog breeds, but. (But he might do that the next time he's sitting in front of his laptop.) ]
I heard it's good to get rescue dogs. But it would have to be one that's not too young, so it doesn't need to be watched 24/7, and it would have to be trainable so you can train it to sit outside the bedroom without whining for when I'm home.
[ TJ does want that, yes. It's just admitting it to himself and to Steve that's going to cause a problem. There's a burden in TJ's issues, even he feels the embarrassment. Not to mention he's incredibly selfish so he thinks his problems are bigger than they are. Asking for help isn't something that he does anymore because he doesn't believe anyone cares enough to stick around and give him a hand when he needs it. It's just something he's adapting to; but even he can admit to himself it's getting pretty lonely.
In all honesty, TJ's never entertained the idea of getting a pet. They're too much responsibility and for a long time, TJ didn't want to have any. He wanted to leave his apartment whenever he felt like it to go wherever the wind took him. Having to make sure another living thing is alive and well on his watch... He feels like that might be a disaster waiting to happen.
But, there's nothing wrong with talking about things in "what if" scenarios. ]
Oh, so that's how it's going to be, huh? Putting the poor thing out of house and home just when you're back in town. Maybe I'll have to train you to get used to it being in the bed.
[ Exactly. Nothing wrong with talking about "what ifs," especially if it'll help Steve wile away the time while he waits for word from Fury and Hill. He meant it when he said he's bad at the waiting part. Sitting out was never his strong suit, even when he was a skinny kid picking fights in the streets of Brooklyn, but he got a taste of adrenaline and purpose during the war that he's craved ever since. Now, whenever he's not in the field, there's a restlessness that sits under his skin, like an itch he can't scratch.
In that sense, he understands a little of what TJ goes through.
So talking to TJ about the unlikely scenario of having a pet (together, even if they're not saying that part out loud, that's basically the conversation), it's a pleasant distraction. ]
I'm not saying it can't be in the bed with us. Just don't want it watching the things I'm going to do to you when I get back.
[ Right now he's too close to the situation to realize this particular "what if" scenario is having them make a big commitment together. Even though it would be mostly TJ's responsibility in the long run, since it would be living with him all the time. And it's not like he and Steve are together 24/7 when Steve is around (granted, they probably spent more time together than TJ has collective spent with a year's worth of one night stands, but that's neither here nor there).
This whole thing is going to be put out of his mind—for the most part—right up until the moment Steve shows up at TJ's door with a dog in his arms.
Then he's probably going to regret a lot of life choices. ]
[ It started out as a joke, but the idea appeals to Steve the more they talk about it. He might just be envisioning himself showing up at TJ's house one day with a dog. Not a small dog, but a happy-go-lucky sporting dog that needs to be walked twice a day and that would take up a reasonable amount of space in the bed when he's not there. It's not like he stays over every night even when he is home (since they're not, you know, texhnically official or anything), and sometimes he invites TJ to his place and he stays the night instead. But even though it's not every night, it happens often enough and it's happening more and more.
Plus, a dog might be good for TJ, to have another living creature that depends on him and loves him unconditionally. He may not be ready to accept it from another person, but the dog could get him used to the idea. Steve remembers seeing something that said people with dogs tend to live longer.
So maybe it's not that far out to think about getting a dog. Maybe he'll run it by Sam later, and see if it sounds crazy or not. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
that is a touchy subject for him, ok
At first, he thinks to take a picture, but then decides to just push the envelope again. Propping his phone up against some things, he takes a video again. He lays back, legs spread, and a moment later, he's easing the toy inside. It's a burn that has pleasure tingling all over his body, breathing coming out shallowly. Once it's fully seated in him, TJ's head drops back and a soft "Fuck—" spills over his lips.
It only takes one more second before he begins slowly fucking himself with it, breathing audibly and his voice slightly shaky. ]
This what you want?
[ It ends a moment later and TJ sends it through. ]
what, his embarrassing underwear or getting fucked
when he receives a video instead of a picture, his breath catches in his throat and his cock throbs in his hand. as he watches it, his mouth dry, his heart hammering, it takes all his effort not to come on the spot. he almost can't believe this is happening but he's really really glad that it is. ]
Holy shit. Yeah.
[ he watches it one (okay, three) more times, and even after he puts his phone down, the image and the sounds are engrained in his memory, replaying themselves in the home theater of his mind. as he strokes himself now he imagines it's his cock moving in and out of tj's body and taking him apart from the inside out. his head falls back on the pillow and he closes his eyes again, breathing heavily, pulling his fist over his cock. won't be long now.
but he still needs that connection to tj. he takes up his phone again. ]
You're amazing. I want you, so badly. Wish you were here. [ he stops and remembers where here is, and exhales a dry laugh, a small self-effacing grin on his lips. ] Actually, I wish I was there.
[ he shifts and adjusts his grip, twisting his wrist at the base of his cock. ]
How does it feel?
BEING CALLED AN EMBARRASSMENT
While he waits for Steve to reply, he continues to fuck himself open. TJ rolls his hips down, going a little faster, trying to push in a little harder. He knows he should probably be doing this a different way, but it doesn't matter. He'll be coming one way or the other.
When those next texts come through, he does stop, and his entire body flushes. Steve is always saying these things and TJ just doesn't understand. Most of the time he barely feels worthy of them. At least right this second, he's glad Steve's actually not here. Somehow, he needs to get himself under control to stop blushing when he gets compliments like these. ]
I wish we were some place where your work couldn't disturb us.
[ #truefacts ]
It doesn't feel nearly as good as you do. You have such a perfect cock.
he brings it upon himself
he's still replaying that video in his head (and maybe once more on his phone) as he waits for the reply. if he had any idea he was missing out on seeing tj full-body blush, he'd be incredibly sad. so it's a good thing he has no idea because he's in a really good place right now—as good as he can be when there's this much distance between them. but it only seems fair that steve can say thing that make tj blush, since tj does it to him all the time.
the first text draws a laugh from him, nothing more than a huffed breath and a smile. he'd agree if he didn't know, deep down, how important his work was. ever since project insight, he doesn't get called in to be someone's clean-up crew anymore. there's no more dirty work, which steve didn't know was dirty (but that's no excuse), just real superhero work that makes him feel like he's actually good for something at the end of the day. there's probably little else that could keep him away from tj for so long.
the second text makes him flush, brushing his face and neck and chest pink. his instinct is to deny it, but he has enough sense to know that's not very sexy. so he goes with something else that's playful but no less genuine. ]
You deserve the best.
[ #truefacts ]
I'll make it up to you when I get back. Is it going to be enough for now?
[ because steve is getting pretty damn close and doesn't know how much longer he can hold off. his hand is slower, dragging out the end, the way he likes to savor fucking tj sometimes. during those times, he'll thrust lazily and sink in until their hips are flush against each other, pull out just as slowly and do it all over again, and again until tj begs him to go faster or he can't take it anymore, whichever comes first. ]
that's so rude ):
So, it's questionable what TJ actually deserves.
But, he can't concentrate on that now. If he does, he's going to lose this thread of arousal and that's really not going to be all that fun. So, he closes his eyes and wraps his hand around his cock instead, pumping with quick pulls of his hand, his thumb teasing over the head. When he feels like he's back in a good place, he slows, lazily pulling his hand along the shaft. ]
No, it's not. But, it's going to have to do.
[ He wants more, so much more, but he can't have it. So he's going to have to settle. ]
Tell me what you'd do to me right now to make me come.
steve still loves him
he wishes tj didn't have to settle, but he holds back from apologizing again. instead, he pushes his cock through his fist and thinks, what would he do to make tj come? (god, what wouldn't he do?) ]
I'd take you by the hips and fuck you so hard and fast you wouldn't be able to speak.
[ he grips himself more tightly and speeds up his hand a bit, just enough to keep himself near the edge. ]
But I'm close so I'd give you a hand too, jerk you off while I fucked you until you had no choice but to come.
does he tho
Later, after he's gotten off and done talking to Steve—who he figures will undoubtedly have to go soon—he'll let the darker thoughts curl around his mind again. So, he's actively trying to ignore them now.
He groans after getting that text and tightens his fist around his cock. It's easy to remember just what Steve's hands feel like as they grip his hips with bruising strength. Maybe he shouldn't, but he loves it, loves seeing the mottled colors on his skin when he looks at himself later or the next day. This isn't fair. He wants Steve so badly right now he can practically taste it on his tongue. Frustrated at their distance all over again and the fact that he moves his hand from his cock so he can set his phone up to record, he makes a noise, grumbling to himself that Steve is going to owe him big once he's back from what-the-fuck-ever.
Hitting record, he begins stroking himself all over again, quick pulls of his hand along the shaft as he's already too close and he can feel his pulse as his cock throbs in his hand. The view point is enough to give Steve the view of the toy still being inside him as he jerks himself off to completion. Of which he reaches rather quickly. His body freezes, legs twitching as if to close, but he keeps them spread. His breathing is stilted, a soft moan wrangling itself free as he comes, uncaring that he's making a mess all over himself.
It takes him a minute or so to come down, breathing hard and residual tremors shake through his limbs. Lazily, he drags his fingers over his cock and through a streak of come on his stomach. Lifting them, TJ begins licking them clean, being incredibly thorough. The video ends there. ]
100%
(Sam asked him once what made him happy, and he thinks he might be figuring it out, finally.)
But that's a conversation for another time. After sending the texts, describing how he'd make TJ come, it's all he can think about. He doesn't always mean to leave bruises on TJ's hips, but sometimes he gets carried away. (The first time it happened, he felt terrible and apologized profusely until TJ told him he liked it. He still doesn't try to hurt him purposefully, but if TJ rolls away with a few fingerprints on his hips and ass, Steve doesn't beat himself up over it. Much.) There's a familiar tightening in his gut, the pressure building as he strokes himself, rolls the skin back from the head each time he pushes his cock through the tight circle of his fist and the sensation dances up and down his spine.
He bites back a curse as he watches the video, pinching his lip between his teeth hard enough to bruise. TJ coming is one of the hottest things he's ever seen or will see, he's certain. He could watch it again and again and never get tired of it (it hasn't even sunk in yet that he could actually do that, now that he has a video). But it's TJ sucking his own come off his fingers that does it, that sends Steve over the edge and he comes after a series of harsh breaths and a single low, heated moan that he just can't hold back.
For a minute, he closes his eyes and lets the aftershocks ripple through him, milking every last drop from his cock, uncaring of the mess on his own stomach.
With his clean hand, he reaches for his phone and types the only thing his brain can muster- ] You drive me crazy.
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Coming is just better when there's someone else to clean it up.
He lies there, forcing his body to come down and making all attempts to steady his breath. The toy is pulled out and he groans at the loss of the fullness and the resulting shiver that shakes up his spine. For several moments he stares at it, inwardly accusing it of not being nearly as satisfying as Steve's cock.
After that bout of slight insanity of internally chastising a sex toy, he turns his attention to his phone and said object of affection. Both hands are wiped off before he finally attempts to return the text; a smile pulling up his lips as his mind supplies what Steve would sound like saying something like that after a nice, long, heady round of fucking.
Which is exactly what he's aiming for whenever Steve gets back. ]
Oh yeah? The good kind, I hope.
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TJ means a lot to him. And he's missing him fiercely right now.
If TJ's insane for chastizing his sex toy, Steve's probably equally as insane for being jealous of it. That vanishes when his phone goes off again. With a small smile on his lips, he uses his clean hand to send a response. ]
Right now? Definitely the good kind.
[ He stares at the screen for a moment, tracing the edge of the phone with his thumb. ]
Wish I could kiss you.
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That's the danger zone.
At this point, TJ's gotten pretty damn good at ignoring all the internal cues that his heart might want a little bit more than his head allows, so it's not really on his mind. And, also, it's a pretty damn good thing that he can't see the look of affection he gives his stupid phone when that second text comes through.
(God help him. He's got it bad.) ]
Wish you could, too. Christ you have the perfect mouth for kissing.
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But every day that goes by, it gets harder to keep from spilling his heart out whenever they're together. It gets harder to keep from asking if TJ feels the same, if he'd be fine with being Steve's and Steve's alone. He knows it's not assumed just because they're sleeping together, though he wishes it were. Things would be so much easier.
Many words could be used to describe Steve's life, but easy isn't one of them.
He smiles at his phone, feeling warm and content, and the last thing he wants to do is get up and put his uniform back on. (But, he reasons, the sooner he does that, the sooner he completes this mission, the sooner he can see TJ again.) He catches his bottom lip between his teeth, his cheeks growing hot. ]
And if I didn't? Would you still want to kiss me then?
[ After he sends the message, he rolls off the bed and leaves his phone among the sheets, cleans up in the bathroom, and starts redressing. ]
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In all honesty, Steve's best bet is to wait until one night when TJ's drunk enough to be in a good mood and attempt the conversation then. He'd be far more apt to being honest after being plied with drinks and a good time. And honesty about where they stand with one another is what they both need. TJ's a coward—knows it and readily admits to it—so he doesn't want to let anyone in and see that cowardice or how fucked up he is on the inside. Because as far as TJ can see, he's too broken to ever be fixed.
On the other end of things, TJ still lies naked in the bed, feeling no rush to get dressed what so ever. What's the point? He's got nowhere to be, no one's coming over. What he wants is who knows where being a hero, so he's staging a peaceful, quiet protest. That includes wearing no clothes in bed. Also apparently sexting. Maybe he'll just stay here until Steve gets back. Like John Lennon and Yoko Ono. ]
Steve. Don't be stupid.
[ That's first and foremost. TJ knows enough about Steve by now to know comments like that aren't fishing for compliments like they would be from other people. Steve just thinks that poorly of himself and TJ still doesn't understand why. ]
You're still you, so regardless the shape of your mouth or how ridiculously full your bottom lip is, your mouth would still be perfect for kissing.
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So far, he hasn't gotten that impression.
God, does he wish he were in bed with TJ instead of a shitty motel room. He returns to his phone once he's suited up. Before glancing at it, he moves it to the nightstand and straightens out the sheets so it was like he was never there (doing things he shouldn't have been doing on a mission, Christ, that was reckless, even for him). Then, he sits on the floor with his phone, his back against the bed, and checks the messages.
His smile returns full-force, warmth blooming in his chest and spreading outwards to his fingertips. He doesn't mean to be self-deprecating, but sometimes he still feels like that skinny kid from Brooklyn who no one looked twice at. This time at least, he'd been teasing, but underneath the teasing there's always a grain of genuine doubt. ]
Yeah, well. You're not so bad yourself.
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Eventually, though, it will come. Just like it will come for them to have a conversation completely sober. Might not be all that level-headed; TJ often feels backed into a corner when serious conversations arise and he'll lash out, do anything to take the heat off of himself so he doesn't have to admit that yes, he wants a relationship. A committed and healthy relationship. Once that happens, an entire new set of problems will arise.
Until then, he's going to coax himself into a false sense of security and be shocked when things come at him and probably fall apart. That's just how things go with TJ. Anything nice he can't keep. ]
What??? That's it??
[ TJ sends along a picture of just the bottom part of his face and showing the slope of his neck. His lips are curled down into a frown. ]
THAT'S all I get for this? You can forget kissing this, buddy. Or feeling it around your dick when you get back.
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He'll prove there's at least one nice thing TJ can keep (though, if you asked him, there are plenty of nice things TJ could keep if he wanted, if he could be convinced he deserves them).
He laughs at the text, smiling all the way to his eyes and showing his teeth, even as the picture hits him with another pang of longing square in the chest. What he wouldn't give to be done with this mission and crawling into TJ's bed and kissing that mouth (or the other thing TJ described, though he'd be more than happy with just kissing). Still grinning to himself, he taps out a response. ]
Sorry, I'm not much of a poet. But I swear you're better than not bad. I could paint a picture in honor of just your mouth and how perfect it is. [ The truth is he's drawn it at least a dozen times, smiling and looking soft and serious and caught between his teeth in that way that drives Steve crazy. ]
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Maybe he is. Maybe that's just how his life is going to be.
Whatever it is, though, he doesn't want to be told by anyone else. He'd rather continue to think he's got the upperhand in all of this and if whatever he's got with Steve starts to go sour, TJ will be the one able to jump ship first.
These thoughts are already beginning to creep into his mind, as they are wont to do whenever things feel like they're going well enough between them. Especially so when Steve's far enough away and TJ has no real idea when he'll see him next. That's plenty of space and time for the worry and worthlessness to creep in and take root. ]
That's more like it.
[ Or, at least it's enough to have a smile housing itself on TJ's lips. He should probably clean himself off, get some clothes on, and so forth. Instead, all he does is just push everything out of the way and wriggle himself under the covers so he's settled on his side. For several seconds he stares at the other side of the bed as if it could offer him something out of thin air. (It doesn't.) He takes a picture of the empty side of the bed and sends it along. ]
The bed is so boring and empty without you in it.
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If he were there with TJ now, he'd wrap him up and keep all those doubts at bay. (He knows TJ has doubts, even if he doesn't know how deep they go or where they come from.) As he stares at his phone, wondering how much TJ would laugh at him if he said exactly what's on his mind, when the picture comes through.
As he looks at the empty bed, his smile falls a little and his eyes soften. He can almost smell TJ's sheets. It's like there's a fist in his chest, squeezing his heart. ]
I'll get you a dog. It can warm the bed while I'm gone.
1/2
If Steve were here with him now, TJ would accept being wrapped up in his arms—seriously, no complaints, Steve has amazing arms—and feeling warm and comforted. Closing his eyes, he can almost imagine Steve here. But, it's not enough. Not even close.
The phone goes off in his hand, and TJ takes his time opening his eyes and ruining his own illusion to read the text and he just laughs. ]
What the hell am I going to do with a dog?
[ Really, Steve. ]
I can barely take care of myself and you want me to be responsible for another living thing??
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Not that I'm entertaining the idea, but what kind would you get me?
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And he knows TJ's dealt with some fucked up things in his life. He may not be a brainwashed ex-Soviet assassin, but he has a lot of very real demons that Steve's more than willing to fight with him, if TJ wants.
His smile returns full-force at TJ's response. ] You might surprise yourself.
[ The next question requires a little more thought. Steve's never owned a dog, and he hasn't done a lot of research on different dog breeds, but. (But he might do that the next time he's sitting in front of his laptop.) ]
I heard it's good to get rescue dogs. But it would have to be one that's not too young, so it doesn't need to be watched 24/7, and it would have to be trainable so you can train it to sit outside the bedroom without whining for when I'm home.
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In all honesty, TJ's never entertained the idea of getting a pet. They're too much responsibility and for a long time, TJ didn't want to have any. He wanted to leave his apartment whenever he felt like it to go wherever the wind took him. Having to make sure another living thing is alive and well on his watch... He feels like that might be a disaster waiting to happen.
But, there's nothing wrong with talking about things in "what if" scenarios. ]
Oh, so that's how it's going to be, huh? Putting the poor thing out of house and home just when you're back in town. Maybe I'll have to train you to get used to it being in the bed.
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In that sense, he understands a little of what TJ goes through.
So talking to TJ about the unlikely scenario of having a pet (together, even if they're not saying that part out loud, that's basically the conversation), it's a pleasant distraction. ]
I'm not saying it can't be in the bed with us. Just don't want it watching the things I'm going to do to you when I get back.
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This whole thing is going to be put out of his mind—for the most part—right up until the moment Steve shows up at TJ's door with a dog in his arms.
Then he's probably going to regret a lot of life choices. ]
You mean you don't want it watching us fuck.
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Plus, a dog might be good for TJ, to have another living creature that depends on him and loves him unconditionally. He may not be ready to accept it from another person, but the dog could get him used to the idea. Steve remembers seeing something that said people with dogs tend to live longer.
So maybe it's not that far out to think about getting a dog. Maybe he'll run it by Sam later, and see if it sounds crazy or not. ]
What, are you saying you do?
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